I’ve had sooo many questions since yesterday about what’s going on here and what’s going on next, I figure I had to write something to kind of explain what’s happening.
My blog from yesterday
Touched on my feelings about the last year and where I was on a personal level, but it’s easy to see it isn’t the whole story.
Vulnerability is a difficult thing. I’ve spent a lot of my years hiding my inner most feelings as a way of protecting myself. It’s never been easy for me to admit when I need something, I just buckle down and I power through, and I have a knack for pushing my emotions aside.
I am a rock. Steady and stable, unwavering, requiring and affected by nothing…
But I’m not. That’s a persona, and a difficult one to maintain.
So what happened in Maui?
Living in Hawaii has long been the dream. I have written a few blog posts about moving here. The opportunity was staring us in the face, and I love a challenge. Like, I love someone to tell me I can’t do something, so this thing was getting done.
Plans were made and shit was done and we did it. And, on SO many levels, it’s the most amazing thing. Maui is gorgeous. It’s a dream here. The mountains and beaches, the sun. The freedom I feel here to be myself is amazing.
But, huge but…
There’s another side, and it starts with this being the most remote, inhabited island chain in the world. To my knowledge, there is no where you can go and be further from people. When it starts to sink in… It is a little terrifying.
So flashback to a few weeks ago, our phones kept ringing and the news was all bad. My Mom’s doctors thought her cancer was back, my husband’s grandfather had stage 4 lung cancer, and hot on the heels of that news, his Aunt Kate was admitted to the hospital and it didn’t look good. We were wrecked. We couldn’t go to them.
We were just here, and my mind was reeling with so many what ifs and the biggest ones were my daughter and grandparents. My mother already needed me, and I was failing her, what if they needed me and I couldn’t get to them. Just thinking about it now makes me feel like I’m suffocating. I needed to be closer to them, desperately.
I started having stomach issues and woke up Christmas Eve an emotional wreck. Every time I was alone I could feel tears pushing forward. I told Clint I couldn’t do it and bought tickets to Texas and left on Christmas Eve.
We had been presented with an opportunity on the mainland prior to this and it was then that we knew, we had to go back.
The beauty of Maui and my love for Hawaii hasn’t gone away, but my pull for home is too strong. I do not want to live in Texas ever again, but that’s an entirely different subject.
I do want to be less than 4000 miles away from the people I love most of all.
If you followed to here, you’re a trooper and now you know, Heather isn’t always a hardcore, emotionless rock. I have good defenses, but after a lot of years, they are crumbling. And this isn’t everything that led to our decision, there have been a lot of things that got the wheels turning in our minds. This was just the biggest driving force for me personally.
It’s not easy to say any of this and I’ve internalized things like this for so long, it doesn’t even feel natural to expose myself to the world. But I’m learning that’s it isn’t healthy to pretend your fine while you’re dying inside. So I’m being human and I’m very excited about the future.